2) How To Accept Your Breakup
When they tell you they want to break up. It almost feels like a truck just hit you. I said 'almost' because being dumped is 100 times worse than a truck hitting us out of nowhere. But you already knew that, didn't you?
Are you telling yourself that your ex will have a change of heart next month and then want you back? Have you been reading some post in a Reddit forum hoping to learn something that will bring your ex back in a magic carpet? I don't blame you. I know you are going through a whirlwind of emotions that makes accepting the reality agonizing.
Shock, denial, rationalization, life-debilitating anxiety, volcanic grief, and rage are expected when someone dumps us. Our whole world seems to crumbles around us. All we can think of is them and what they did to us. Is there anything we can do in this situation?
Yes! You can. Accept the situation you are in. Admit to yourself. That you are in a shit storm right now. Does accepting the break up get rid of these horrid feelings? Not exactly. But it is the crucial first step to healing.
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and
The wisdom to know the difference." - The Serenity Prayer
Millions of people in alcohols anonymous have escaped the hell of addiction by beginning their journey with this simple but powerful prayer. This mantra is not just a cutesy saying. It is the FIRST step of the '12 steps' to recovery. Why is it the first step and not the 10th or 12th step? Because recovery is impossible without this step.
The first step is about ADMITTING and ACCEPTING they have a problem. Not denying it, not rationalizing it, and certainly not making light of it. Because it is all too common for people suffering from an affliction to deny it. If you don't learn to accept the situation. You will be stuck in a constant battle to avoid the truth. A fight you won't win.
Without accepting what has happened, you can't even begin to move on. Hence, it is imperative that you accept "Okay, they broke up with me. It is over" once you do that and actually mean it. It will feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off you. However, you will still be an emotional wreck. But you will be an emotional wreck who has STARTED to heal.
You might have consciously accepted the breakup. But your unconscious emotional part of the brain might not have accepted it. Unfortunately, this is the VERY part THAT needs to accept what happened for us to move on EMOTIONALLY. That is the challenge. You can't rationalize with your emotions or argue it to submission. Have you ever tried being logical with a crying baby? Doesn't work, does it?
Luckily, there is an ancient technique developed by our earliest ancestors to teach us lessons on an EMOTIONAL level. Some evolutionary scientists argue that this technique of learning and teaching gave us the edge to outlive all the other primates. This technique is known as 'Storytelling.' So, let's read the story of "The Ghost of the Black Mansion." a riveting tale that teaches you the importance of acceptance.
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"So you aren't even coming to your own daughter's funeral?" asked Phineas's son Robert incredulously. Who now stands as tall as his father. Looking into his eyes as an equal.
Phineas scratched his black beard thoughtfully and said, "No. Why in the world should I go to my daughter's funeral? She isn't dead. She is in school! Its 12:00 pm now. Her last class ends at 1. I will pick her up later, and we will get some tootsie rolls."
Robert let out a sigh that took the life out of his face. Just before he was about to open his mouth again, Phineas interrupted.
"Look, my boy. The clock says its 12:00 pm, the calendar says its July 12, 1992! Which means! My daughter is still in school. I don't get" now it was his son's turn to interrupt.
"Do you even hear yourself, dad? She is dead! Its been TWO Months since July 12, 1992!!! It's not 12pm! Its 10 am. The time we were supposed to be at the funeral home, remember?" The room fell silent. Phineas did not speak again for what it felt like an eternity. His throat was thick with tears as he started to talk again.
"You think I forgot?" asked Phineas as if his son had stabbed him in the stomach. "Reality is what you make of it, boy. I went from rags to riches with my positive thinking! I have made billions of dollars from pennies! At seminars, conferences, and parties, every man worth his salt asks me how? I have one answer. Positive thinking! You know why the clock does not work anymore? Because I made it so. I removed the battery from it and fixed the time at 12pm! I made my calendar say its July 12, 1992. And that is going to be the date for me, forever! And this way my daughter will be in school forever! She will remain very much alive! You see! You see my boy. I make my own reality! A creator of one's own destiny." he said with wide glassy blue eyes.
"Dad," Robert said as he broke down in tears. "Enough. Please. This isn't positive thinking. This is delusional thinking. I know this is hard for you, but it's hard for us too! We need you! Mom needs you! I need you! Priscilla needs you! She needs her father to read her eulogy. It has to be you. I know she was your favourite. Maybe, you should talk to someone? My wife knows a grief counsellor."
"LEAVE NOW, BOY!" Phineas exploded as he quivered with rage. "I kicked your mother out because she spoke like this, and I am not afraid to kick you out either!"
"Fine! rot here alone for all I care!" Robert lied since he did care enormously about his father. His departure was made in haste. Not a hug or a shake of hands was exchanged between father and son. This moment would be Robert's greatest regret. Because this would be the very last time, he would see his father alive.
Robert was right. Maybe, Phineas did need to see a grief counsellor. But maybe, just a hug from his beloved son would have sufficed. A warm hug given in times like these can save a person from years of sitting on an uncozy sofa in a therapist's office. A part of Phineas was disappointed that his son did not stay longer to convince him to go to his own daughter's funeral. That part was the only rational part that existed in Phineas. Unfortunately, that part of him died that day. Now he was swallowed whole by the part of him that was "Positively Insane." He started looking more like a mad scientist than a textile tycoon he was once known as. The black hair and beard he proudly wore turned bleak grey. The sun-kissed tan he got from his summer vacations in the Bahamas turned pale. Even his eyes changed colour. The dreamy blue eyes he used to dazzle the ladies were now a haunting grey colour.
After the day, his son left. Phineas never left his house. He also never went back to work, because, on July 12, 1992, he took a holiday. Since it was July 12, 1992, every day. Every day was now a holiday. As it turns out, trying to live the same day over and over again is quite the hassle. However, that did not discourage our hero from trying. He would only watch TV on his VCR. He was careful not to consume any media or book released after July 12, 1992. Food and necessities were delivered reluctantly by his personal secretary. Who he wasn't on speaking terms with anymore because she once accidentally brought a soap bar that had its manufacturing date on the cover 'October 13, 1999'.
Phineas used only one room in his mansion. The study room. The room was small but handsome. The walls had a creamy, vibrant white colour. They were packed with motivational sayings and affirmations such as 'Positivity is my superpower' and 'Reality is what I make of it' among other cheesy platitudes. There was also a cute 4 shelf mahogany bookshelf that was stacked with dozens of books from the self-help genre. The most notable books from his collection were 'The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peele' and 'Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill.' Phineas would go on to read these books over and over on his black four-legged study table. Especially when a negative thought started to appear in his mind.
Thanks to the fortune, he amassed when he was younger. His unhealthy groundhog day lifestyle could be financed 50 times over. Without him lifting a finger ever again. The same can't be said about his mansion.
His mansion lost its lustre without being maintained over the decades. The place looked more like a haunted house than a home now. The creamy white paint of the exterior of the mansion was now a dreadful grey.
The Olive tree his ex-wife planted decades ago was now a corpse of a tree. That would make a howling noise as the wind brushed its zombie-like branches. This awful sight ignited the townfolk's creativity.
Rumours started to spread about the 'Ghost of the Black Mansion.' People began making colourful stories about how he died there and turned into a ghost. One story claims he was killed by being crushed by his treasured Italian chandelier that he couldn't stop bragging about. And now to set his soul free. He needs to kill one hundred men who brag about their expensive furniture. Most of the stories presuppose that he is dead, except one. The one where Phineas never leaves the mansion due to the shame of being cuckolded by the postman. Who allegedly ran away with his wife and daughter. This story resulted in well to do samaritans of the town to send letters of support. That started with 'My wife cheated on me too, but that does not mean I am a lesser man of a man. So you should not feel you are either.'
But no soul dared to step near that mansion. Nor did they want to. The howling olive tree wasn't much of a crowd-pleaser. The Black estate's mere sight struck anyone with a feeling of 'I need to get the fuck out of here.' Ironically, his existence was similar to a ghost's. A soul cursed to live the same day over and over.
Until, one day almost two decades later, a bold squatter called Willie decided to try his luck living in the haunted mansion. If he failed, he promised himself. That he would cut off his long immaculate but disgusting man-bun.
Phineas was very particular with his stuff. Everything was kept the same as it was on the day of July 12, 1992. So you could imagine the horror on his face when he found his favourite cup moved a couple of inches from its original spot. That is when he realized another dreadful soul was present in his mansion. Calling the police wasn't a good idea because they would mention the date, and that would fuck up his 'Timeless-lifestyle.' He was going to deal with it himself. Phineas Black style. Which involved taking everything out of the fridge and hiding in there. To lie in wait for the squatter to open the refrigerator. He was a snake, waiting for his prey. But he forgot to turn the fridge off before embarking on this stunt, causing his old tits to almost freeze off. However, his will was stronger than the frost. The cold wasn't going to screw up his plan. If something was unnecessarily difficult and a lot of people advised against it. He would do that very thing. It was his way of saying 'Fuck you' to the universe. When his father told him he couldn't get into college. He made sure he got into the most prestigious college. When his brother advised him that he should not try his hand on the textile business. Phineas started his textile business that ended up being the most successful in the country. And when his unkind mother told him that a certain girl would never marry a wuss like him. Guess who he ended up marrying?
When the clock struck midnight that very day. Not Phineas's clock, however. But probably a clock somewhere in New York. It was the perfect time for our fellow squatter to go down to the fridge and have his midnight snack. Nothing looked out of the ordinary, so he thought the coast was clear and old Phineous was asleep.
Willie never had an easier time squatting anywhere else. The first time Willie saw Phineas. He was caught by surprise because the mansion felt deserted. You would not think someone actually lives there. Willie noticed Phineous used only one room and did not change his routine at all. A perfect housemate for a squatter.
The Black mansion was also the perfect place to squat. It was so humongous and empty that you could hide in any vacant room without worrying about being caught. Unfortunately, that was about to change.
Willie pulled open the door of the fridge gingerly, careful to not make any noise. To his horror, he found an old half-frozen unconscious (or dead) wrinkly man in an immaculate black suit inside. He found Phineas. It turns out the frost did get to him. Phineas's grey mustache and beard turned snow-white due to the cold. His roughly tanned skin now had a bright red hue making him completely unrecognizable. So our fellow squatter did not recognize that this frozen man was Phineas. Willie jumped back almost immediately. All of a sudden, he had chills over his body, but it wasn't because of the cold. 'Was this the ghost of the Black mansion everyone was talking about? Could this be one of the tricks this ghost played to every squatter that was foolish enough to squat at a hunted mansion?' Willie thought. He attempted to dash out of the kitchen, but a cold hand grabbed his leg and stopped him in his tracks. Willie's heart hammered in his chest so hard that it might have burst out of his ribs. He could see his life flashing before his eyes. 'I am way too young to die!' he thought as he got a second wind of strength that broke his immobile stance. He yanked his foot out of the cold hands and dashed out of the kitchen.
He made his way to the main door swiftly. Just when he was about to pull the door open, guilt ran down his chest. 'I can't leave the old fart behind in this mansion all alone with this ghost! But then again, he is some old fart that I don't even know that well. So who gives a fuck. I ain't no hero'. He thought. Alcohol and vagrancy robbed him of his morals and manners but not his catholic guilt that was entrenched deep in his bones. He felt pity for the old man who lived there, throughout his whole 4 months of squatting. He never heard Phineas talk to a living soul. Laugh or share a pleasant moment with anyone. He knew Phineous was lonely just as much as he was. In an odd way, Phineous's presence in the mansion gave Willie some comfort. Even the knowledge that someone else is in the house, made him feel less alone. He was not about to abandon the closest thing to a friend he ever had. He rushed back in the main hallway, feeling like some hero from a C grade movie.
"HEY! HEY! This house is haunted! We need to evacuate this fucking place!" he screamed, confusedly at the top of his lungs.
"You imbecile! The house is not haunted. It was me you found in the fridge! Now get the hell out of here!" said Phineas furiously. He was also furious because this would be squatter had a better fashion sense than him. The highly coveted white tee and blue jeans look.
Willie yanked his glance to the source of the voice. He found a less red version of the Phineous he thought was a ghost, now staring at him with dagger eyes. "Oh...so, there is no ghost eh?"
"No! What are you? A paranormal investigator? Buzz off! Or....or. I will call the police." He muttered without a shred of confidence.
"I, I have nowhere to go, sir. Nowhere. I made myself a little home in your big mansion. I won't bother no one. I won't make any noise. I will stay away from you if you want. Please, let me live here! I beg you. I will do all the garden work, all the cleaning, all the dishes. I will do everything. The groceries. Everything!" Willie said with puppy dog eyes. It almost worked since Willie had these big hazel eyes and an adorable freckled face.
Phineas gave out a hearty chuckle almost affectionately. Then he said, "You think you can intrude in someone's home and ask for a job? You are a funny chap! You being here is ruining everything. In my world, you aren't supposed to exist! Got that?"
"In your world, I am not supposed to exist? Just cause I am poor don't mean I should"
"It has nothing to do with your financial predicament. More to do with my 'situation.' I created a reality where it's July 12,1992 every day. That was the last day my daughter was.....Is alive. You being here is ruining that perfect time capsule I have made. So please, leave me be." he said earnestly.
Willie thought about reasoning with him. But he realized that a man who dedicated his whole life to live in a time capsule is probably beyond reason. He tried a different approach. "You want to live in a time capsule? Okay, I get now why you never go out. But how is your time capsule accurate if the mansion you live at does not perfectly emulate what it was on July 12, 1992?" He said with a triumphant expression.
After a few moments of thoughtfulness, "Well.....Since I am such a positive person......That is something to be considered." Phineas wondered aloud.
"Here is a deal. I get to live in a vacant room in your mansion. In exchange. I will take care of the garden, restore that olive tree, repaint the mansion a bit, and do your groceries."
"I am not quite fond of my current grocer. Hence, it's not a bad idea. But only in one condition. You can't ever question my lifestyle."
"That seems fair to me. Names Willie by the way. Nice to meet you?" he said timidly.
"Phineas Black! The Pleasure is all mine boy," he said with unmistakable pride while shaking Willie's hands with both of his. His heart secretly sang of joy because he suddenly realized he wasn't going to be alone anymore.
The pair forged an unlikely friendship. Phineas was hesitant to initiate conversations with Willie, but not talking to him was like having an itch on your nose but not getting to it. And ever since Willie started taking regular showers and stopped dressing like a hipster and more like a dignified poet with long luscious red hair. It became impossible for Phineas not to talk to him.
It had been nearly two decades since Phineas had a conversation partner. Since everyone else isn't so accommodating to his "Timeless- lifestyle." It's hard to talk to someone if you can't mention any world event that happened after July 12, 1992. Additionally, the constant stress of avoiding indirect references to anything that happened after that date would be exhausting.
"What do you like to do the most?" Willie asked casually, on one lazy Saturday afternoon.
Phineas stared out of the window and smiled with nostalgia and said, "Well, my daughter Priscilla and I get tootsie rolls after her school ends on Fridays to celebrate the coming weekend. Then we talk all about the silly things that happened in school that day and what mischief we have planned for the weekend."
"So you really like tootsie rolls, eh? I will see if I can get"
"No, I personally don't like Tootsie rolls, tastes too sour."
"How did you eat them then? Positivity?" asked Willie with unwarranted suspicion.
"Not entirely. Priscilla won't eat unless I eat it. 'How can I eat when you don't eat daddy?' She does not like to enjoy something without involving the other person in the immediate vicinity. Ah, that kid."
Then Phineas pops a somewhat embarrassing question he was too curious to ignore. "Willie, I always wondered what happened to you for you to be out on the.....You know...On the streets." Then he added hastily to not seem like a complete asshole "Given, you are such an intelligent boy."
"Me intelligent? Your positivity is too much sometimes." He replied jokingly. "Long story short. I had a lot of issues in my life that I couldn't get out of. Bankruptcy, lousy childhood, health problems...The whole nine yards and then some. Booze seemed like the only solution. Next thing you know that became the biggest problem in of itself. I spent all my money on it till I had none, then sapped all the money out of my friends and family until I had none of them either. Got sober by some miracle but lost everything in the process."
"Oh, my poor boy. That's dreadful. I am so sorry. But how come you don't just apply for a job?"
"If I had a dollar every time someone told me that! I tried, man! Nobody hires me these days, where entry positions ask for 10 years of experience and jobs at McDonald's ask for 5 references minimum."
"How many places did you apply to?"
"Uh well, umm twenty maybe," said Willie without any conviction
"Twenty? TWENTY? I applied to at least 40 places in my youth and still did not get a job. It's not the environment at fault. It's your mindset."
"So you saying if I had a more of a positive mindset, I would have gotten a job? Me being positive or NOT had nothing to do with the fucking rejections I got," he replied as his eyebrows furrowed.
"That is true, but if you had a positive mindset. You would have kept applying till you got the job. Who knows, maybe the 21rst application you made would have been your lucky break."
"You talk exactly like those Instagram motivational gurus!"
"Insta what?"
"Oh, never mind man."
"You are too negative, my boy Willie! Too negative." Lectured Phineas, almost enjoying it.
Their friendship blossomed for a year, but it wasn't meant to last. Willie was tired of living in a 'Time-Capsule.' He decided to leave, but he wasn't going without trying to pull his only friend out of it too—an impossible task. Phineas was making some steak when Willie decided to drop the nuke.
"Phineas, I wanted to talk to you."
"Yes? You want to go over your resume again before you apply for jobs?" he replied while flipping over a steak.
"No, I think the resume is more than ready. It's about something else. I've been thinking about my life here."
"And?"
Willie pauses. Looks sadly at the Italian Chandelier of the Black Mansion then says, "I get why you live in a time-capsule, but...But I don't think I can anymore."
"Listen, listen, listen, boy. It's just my Positivity. Call it what you want. It keeps me going, that's all." Phineas says defensively.
"I admit you taught me how to be positive, and that has helped me tremendously. Look, this is the first time in decades I am applying for jobs again. I never felt so confident in my life! With your reference. I can work on any Mcdonalds I want! Heck, I could probably be a manager there! But that being said, you can't just always be 'positive.' That's crazy. Acknowledging the negative in life does not mean your whole life is negative. Sometimes you have to admit that life fucking sucks and bad shit happened. I listened to you and learned to be more positive, why don't you listen to me and be just a bit negative?"
After a painstaking silence, "Willie, you know the rules of this mansion. You aren't allowed to talk like that. I will pretend I did not hear it. Here, this piece is almost done. Let's eat." He said, trying to sound casual as he placed a well-done steak on a plate just as Willie likes it.
"No, Phineas. You can pretend I did not say that, but I can't pretend you didn't hear that. I am not like you. I can't pretend to live a lie for the rest of my life."
"A lie?" Phineas said incredulously as he slowly took a seat. Willie's words drained his life out, and he couldn't stay standing
"I loved you like my father, hell...More than my own father. After I lost my home, people tried to help me but...I couldn't take their help. Cause they pitied me. Looked down on me. You.....You never did that. For that, I thank you, Mr.Phineous Black. Thank you! Thank you! But........I gotta go now, you know, live a life, not a lie. I am sorry. Good.....Goodbye." Willie said with a throat filled with tears as he left the Black Mansion.
Phineas stared at the two pieces of steak he prepared for the two of them. Something clicked in him, and he decided to do something he had not done in decades. Leave the Black Mansion. As soon as he opened the door, the cold New York winter wind said hello. The wind was hard, and his urge to go back to the mansion was harder. It was his only safe space. He was about to go back, but then he caught sight of his ex-wife's olive tree. Seeing the tree again in full glory gave him back the willpower and the strength he had when he was younger and saner. He used it to fight his urge to go back because he realized that even though the mansion was his safe space. It was also his prison. He was scared. Scared that if he left his time-capsule, he would not be able to take it. He wouldn't be able to handle reality. Then he remembered that he already faced reality the day his daughter died. He survived that, so he can survive it again.
As he saw his friend Willie walking away, he screamed a scream that would echo throughout the neighbourhood.
"Willie!!!!" After he got Willie's prized attention, he continued. "Look at me and tell me. Was our friendship a lie? Was the respect I gave you a lie? Those were no lies, only the truth. Speaking of truth. After you left. I looked at the steaks, and I could not eat them alone. I can't eat if my friend can't! I am just like Priscilla, you see. Just like her. How can I eat if my friend does not eat too? You know when she arrived in this world. It would be an understatement if I said it was the best day of my life. The way she looked at you, she actually saw you. She saw you. Can't explain it...I can't, boy. She is, I mean............was only 10 years old."
"Phineas!" Willie said as he realized Phineous referred to Priscilla as 'was' and did not correct himself for the very first time.
"She was ten Willie. Ten, and she was smarter than anyone I met. She was shy and not so popular with the girls at school. Nobody wanted to play with her on Fridays. So I thought, heck, let me buy this kid something every Friday and then started our Friday ritual. Ah, I miss her smile! It lit up the whole room! Truly! Best smile in the world! Her laugh would make anything 10 times funnier, but you know whats the funny part? She.......She bloody died from a heart abnormality while I was the one with diabetes. What a joke." he slurred as he started to lose consciousness. "I admit she is dead! Priscilla Black is dead, she is dead. Is that what you people wanted to hear?" he said as he started sobbing uncontrollably.
The decades of grief that Phineous held onto. Came out that day. He was in all fours as tears poured out of his eyes like a waterfall. He howled as he cried, but the howls weren't all from the pain. It was also from the relief he felt after letting go of the grief he was holding in for so long.
Willie could not find the perfect thing to say. He thought hard but could not come up with anything. Then he finally just decided to follow his heart and give Phineous something nobody gave himself. He ran to Phineas. Ushered him to get up. Then embraced him so hard that he almost broke the old fart's ribs. Willie was going to be a sponge. A sponge that would soak up his friend's tears. Not another word needed to be said for another hour or two.
A hug is what we need in our most devastating moments. Interestingly, however, we often fail to provide one when someone else needs it. Is it because we see can't see when someone needs it? Yes, we often don't see it because we often don't look. Fortunately, Willie looked and saw that his friend badly needed a warm hug. A hug that was decades overdue.
Then Wille said, "I never knew you had blue eyes. It always looked grey to me before."
"Ah, I guess it turned back to blue again. Must have cried off the grey." Phineas replied whimsically.
"Let's grab some tootsie rolls. Maybe you will like it this time."
"Sure! But I have to do something first!" Phineas muttered as he rushed back to his mansion.
He arrived in the mansion, almost out of breath. He walked over to his Calender, stared at it somberly for a while. Then he changed the date from 'July 12, 1992' to 'May 14, 2018.'
The End
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Accepting our dreadful situations is no easy feat. Whether it be an alcoholic admitting he has a problem. A crappy student realizing she procrastinates too much. Or a person who was just dumped and is finally coming to terms with what happened.
It is a challenging task that rocks us to our core. Nothing is more courageous than 'Accepting.' Because when you are accepting the situation. You are not just telling yourself, "Okay, so the fire breathing dragon is coming right at me to burn me to a crisp. I am so screwed." Its something else. Acceptance is not admitting failure. Acceptance is recognizing the gravity of the situation and telling yourself, "Okay, so the fire breathing dragon is coming right at me to burn me to a crisp, and that's quite alright. I can face it."
Liked this post? Check out my NEW podcast episode, where I go into more detail about Acceptance, healing, and personal stories that will help you move on. Obviously, it's FREE
Exercises:
1) Answer this question in a piece of paper. "What was something in your life that took you long to admit and accept? What toll did it cause in your life for not admitting the situation early on?"
2) Close your eyes, get into a comfy position such as lying down or sitting, relax, put on some meditation music. Breathe in and out deeply for a while. Then tell yourself in your mind using your own words "They broke up with me. This relationship is over. It's okay, I will be fine in time." Breathe in and out deeply for a while and then you are done.