3) How To Stop Feeling Miserable After A Breakup
You did not lose a pencil sharpener. You lost the love of your life. So, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be miserable! It's okay to feel depressed and hopeless.
It can even feel worse than the death of a loved one. Because when a loved one dies, they did not choose to leave us. But when a loved one breaks up with us, they have made that choice themselves.
A person breaking up with us also hurts since it's the ultimate form of rejection. When a random girl in the bar rejects you. You can easily brush that off cause she doesn't even know you. But when our loved one dumps us, it's the most painful rejection ever. They saw everything you had to offer and decided that they did not want it. This can make us feel that something is fundamentally wrong with us. However, you need to realize that their decision to break up with you usually has more to do with THEM than it has to do with YOU.
Sometimes we are disappointed not just because they left. But because they did not fulfill our expectations. Such as getting married to us, having our babies, going to Paris with us, etc. However, you need to remember these dreams can be fulfilled by somebody else. You are not sad because they were "The One." You are sad because you THOUGHT they were.
It hurts like hell. You never felt like this before. So cry! Cry! Cry as much as you please. Cry every day for months or even YEARS! I don't care if you are the most macho guy that ever lived. You have to cry. You have to grieve your loss. Don't just ignore it. If your body gets dirty, do you just ignore it? No, you shower. Showering is an effective way to clean your body. Similarly, crying is an effective way to cleanse your soul.
You don't need to justify your emotions
Don't let anybody tell you that your grief is an overreaction. That you should just "Let it go." That you should just "Move on because there is plenty of fish in the sea." Ignore them! They don't understand the pain you are going through. The pain from a broken heart is like an invisible dagger that has pierced your heart. It is unfair to expect everyone to be able to see that invisible dagger. Cry for whatever reason, you don't even need to justify it to yourself.
Can't cry? Listen to some sad breakup songs. Look at the pictures of your ex, go through your old texts, and love letters. Use these items to cry your eyes out. At one point, you won't be able to cry with these items anymore. That's when you should promptly delete these old pics and old texts. And destroy those love letters too. You will feel much better after you do that, trust me.
There is no specific amount of days or months your grieving period lasts. Your grieving period is YOUR grieving period. Not anybody else's, especially the people who are telling you to just "move on." Anger is a common emotion that comes up too in the grieving process, that is totally normal and actually means that you are going to the next stages of grief. Then you will find yourself sad again after. Then go back to angry. Your emotions will be all over the place, and that is okay! Don't worry about how your head is processing all this. There is no "right" way to feel during this.
The grieving period is not linear, either. After 6 months, you might feel like, "Oh, I am done grieving." Then you remember something about them, and you start sobbing uncontrollably at Mcdonalds. These grief attacks come in waves. These waves can come when you least expect them to. However, the frequency and intensity of these grief attacks lessen as more time passes. So, you need to be PATIENT with yourself. You can't rush your grieving process. This is not a race, it's a marathon.
How To Be Sad Properly
Once upon a time. Two young wizards, Henry and Kairo, decided to team up. And look for the most powerful magic ever created. Due to their stupidity, they both got lost in an elven ruin trying to find it.
Miraculously, Kairo found a way out while Henry died tragically in the ruins. Henry being the bastard he was, decided to curse Kairo out of spite before dying. After the curse started working, Kairo found himself extremely despondent. No matter how hard he tried. Kairo could not enjoy anything. Delicacies tasted like rotten fish. Thrilling activities felt dull. A warm kiss from a lover felt cold.
Unfortunately, none of his spells worked to lift the curse. At his wit's end, he decided to see the richest man in Babylon for advice. 'He is incredibly rich, he must know something about happiness' Kairo thought innocently. He knelt at the feet of the richest man in Babylon and asked for his wisdom. The Babylonian told Kairo, "Focus on hard work. Stop looking for shortcuts. Stop looking for the most powerful magic of all. When your wealth is abundant, your despondence will be scarce." Kairo followed his advice fervently.
He miraculously amassed a fortune in only a year. Unfortunately, to his surprise, he was still very depressed. Feeling disappointed but not hopeless. He decided to try again. This time he used his fortune to summon the wisest man in the world and ask for his advice. The wise man told him, "True wealth is knowledge, not money or powerful magic spells. When you start collecting knowledge. Your head will be so full of wisdom, sadness will have no room."
Kairo eagerly took his advice. He read all the books he could find in the world. It made him wiser but not the slightest bit happier. Fueled with rage, Kairo summoned the wise man to scold him. The wise man then humbly admitted, "Master Kairo, I apologize for my incompetence. I was wrong. I think it is best if you took advice from the saddest being in the world. His knowledge about sadness would be invaluable since he is the expert at it." Kairo reluctantly took his advice again and went on a journey to look for the saddest being in the world.
Every sage, traveller, and trader Kairo spoke to, claimed that The Ghost of the Black mansion was the saddest being ever. Without a moment's delay, Kairo travelled far and wide. And finally arrived at the gates of the Haunted Black mansion. The Ghost did not show up though, maybe he did not like guests. Kairo grew impatient and burst through the gate and started demanding "Ghost of the Black mansion! Tell me! Tell me how I can stop feeling miserable. If you have no answer, you might as well kill me. I am tired of living like this." Suddenly an apparition appeared out of thin air. The Ghost stared directly at Kairo with an indifferent expression with his bright grey eyes. Then the Ghost said surprisingly warmly, "Be sad, Kairo, be sad." Then the Ghost disappeared as quickly as he appeared.
Kairo went back home. He lay awake, trying to figure out what the Ghost meant. Then it dawned on him, 'To not be sad. I have to embrace my sadness, wholeheartedly.' Then he decided to welcome his sadness with open arms. He cried violently for a fortnight and stopped fighting his misery. He did not try to ignore it. He simply felt it. The curse had finally been broken. When Kairo felt happy again, he smiled gratefully at the sky. Glad to finally realize what the most powerful magic actually was. It was his tears.
The End
Power in Tears
Tears do have enormous power. And the ability to shed these tears is one of our underrated superpowers. Never underestimate the impact of having a good cry to improve your mood.
Crying is not a weakness. It is a strength. It takes considerable willpower to let your body feel emotional pain. It is a powerful coping mechanism that we have been using for thousands of years (Gračanin, 2014). So go ahead, use it. Use your superpower!
The Most High-Risk Stunt
It hurts a lot because you truly loved this person with all your heart. It wasn't fake, shallow, or petty kind of love. Your love was genuine. The more we loved them, the more it hurts us. Therefore, our capacity for experiencing pain does not reveal our fragility. It shows our capacity to love.
Why do we fall in love even though we know that it might hurt like hell if we fail? Are we stupid?
To fall in love and to get your heart broken isn't stupid. It's the most courageous thing you can do. You risked it all! You put your whole heart on the line with a grin on your face. You went for what you wanted guns blazing no matter the cost.
Doing that is much more courageous than any stunt a daredevil ever pulled in his life. Because a daredevil has a bunch of safety nets. And love doesn't. You knew that and still went for it. You pulled the most high-risk stunt in the world. You fell in love. And you are so damn brave that you will probably do that, again.
Like my article? Listen to my podcast episode based on this post, where I talk more about grieving, my personal stories, and healing from a breakup.
Source:
Gračanin, A., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. (2014). Is crying a self-soothing behavior?. Frontiers in psychology, 5, 502. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00502