8) How to Love Yourself After A Breakup
When my ex shattered my heart into a billion pieces and left me. I kept asking her, "Is there anything wrong with me?"
I asked the same question to everyone else in my life during that time. I wanted to hear, "No, there isn't, you are amazing!" People did say something like that (some more reluctantly than others). But I still didn't feel I was amazing.
Everyone can call you amazing, but if you can't call yourself that, you won't ever feel amazing. So how do we feel we are amazing? Especially when the person we love decides to abandon us.
If a random guy or girl at a bar rejected us, it wouldn't hurt as much because this person rejected the 10 min drunk version of us. But when a person you have been in a relationship with abandons you by breaking up, it crushes your self-esteem. Because this person has seen all sides of you, spent countless hours with you, had the deepest conversations with you, peered into your soul, watched you laugh, watched you cry, saw you naked and then decided, "I am not down for this." After that happens, you are bound to think that there must be something wrong with you.
However, the more someone gets to know you, the more likely they are to break up with you.......but only if they are fundamentally incompatible with you. I call this the "Cracks Principle." Let me explain.
At the beginning of the relationship (1-8 months), everything will be all sunshine and rainbows. It feels incredible because you are on the honeymoon period when all the feel-good love chemicals are released on the highest dosage. Those love chemicals also make it hard for you to notice their flaws. At this stage, we also see our partners as perfect beings. Because it's easy to see someone as perfect when you don't even bloody know them.
You will project YOUR ideal perfect person on your partner, and they will do the same to you. You will end up making caricatures of each other and fall in love with the caricatures, not the real person.
As time goes by, the honeymoon period ends, the caricatures start melting, those love chemicals lose their potency, and slowly your true selves are exposed. You guys start noticing more flaws, cracks, eccentricities in each other. It's not a pretty sight. For some, these new discoveries are unacceptable, so they decide to leave. For others, these new discoveries aren't a big deal.
During the start of my relationship with my ex, we were on cloud 9. Everything was new and fascinating. We were even dumb enough to think we were soulmates because we both drank milk tea the same colour. There was a lot we didn't know about each other. Whatever we didn't know about each other we assumed was great! Oh, how wrong we were.
As time went on, she started seeing my cracks and eccentricities, and I saw hers. She saw how unhealthily I dealt with tough emotions and how edgy I became sometimes. I saw how unforgiving she was to a person's past actions. The only difference between us was that I loved her even after seeing her flaws, but she didn't after seeing mine. Hence she broke up with me. And when I asked her, "Is there anything wrong with me?" Surprisingly, she said, "No, there isn't." She was right, and here is why.
There was nothing "wrong" with me because we were just fundamentally incompatible. The fact that I was politically incorrect and edgy and had a hard time dealing with tough emotions was a deal-breaker for her. That doesn't mean I am worthless because of those flaws and eccentricities. After my ex, I met many people who absolutely loved my eccentricities and even helped me work on my flaws. That is what you need—someone who sees all those eccentricities and still loves and embraces you. And is willing to help you work on your flaws with you, not run from it.
My relationship with that ex was me being a square peg trying hard to fit in a round hole.
If a square peg does not fit in a round hole, there isn't anything wrong with the square peg; it's just the wrong hole. So go find another hole.
And guess what, that hole can be YOU! You can make yourself someone who embraces you with all your flaws and eccentricities! You could truly and deeply love YOURSELF. Here's how.
How to LOVE yourself
1) Loving THEM cracks
Truly loving someone is to love someone even after seeing all their cracks. So do that to yourself!
We are often our own worst critics. So go ahead and fire that critic and hire someone more compassionate. A good practice is to see others and their flaws with compassion, not judgement.
When someone does something wrong, our first instinct is to think "That guy is an asshole." We should take a step back and think "What happened to this guy to make him like that?"
When you practice compassion with others, it gets easier to be compassionate to yourself. Because at the end of the day, to be flawed does not mean we are broken; it means we are human.
2) Stop Betraying Yourself
If you couldn't tell by my writing or podcasts, I am a politically incorrect person. These traits do not fly with many people in this day and age, especially that ex of mine. She told me to tone down my edginess. And I foolishly agreed. At the time, I didn't realize how badly I betrayed myself by doing that.
As the great Brene Brown said (Paraphrased her), "When you trade in your authenticity for approval, you betray yourself," Now what does that mean?
It means when you try to be someone else instead of yourself to please others. You betray yourself. You are subliminally telling yourself by your actions, "I am worthless, hence I will do whatever the world wants me to fit in."
People do this all the time. They choose a career for their parent's approval and not for themselves. They pretend to be someone they aren't to fit in with their peers. They buy things they don't really want to impress people they don't really know. They prioritize other people's dreams, hopes, values, and goals instead of their own.
We betray ourselves so covertly, we don't even realize it. Ask yourself. Are your dreams YOURS or someone else's? Are your goals YOURS or society's? Is the way you present yourself the REAL you or a personality you created to fit in? |
Another poison in our world is the "shoulds" that get conditioned into us throughout childhood. You SHOULD be married at this age. You SHOULD make this much money by this time. You SHOULD get this job instead of this other one. You SHOULD look like this. When you follow SHOULDS and not what your heart wants. You betray yourself.
Are you doing something because you SHOULD do it or because YOU want to do it?
People who genuinely love themselves don't betray themselves. Betray the whole world if you have to; just don't betray yourself. It's not worth it, trust me.
3) How Society Conditions us to NOT love ourselves
From the second we get up, we are bombarded by an avalanche of advertisements and media.
A good portion of them tries to convince us that we aren't good enough in a subconscious way. But if we buy their product, we will be good enough.
"Buy the newest iPhone to be hip. Buy the newest Bentley, so people will think you got class. Look exactly like our models do because that's the only definition of beauty."
It never stops. It's a constant onslaught on your psyche. What effect do you think it has had on your subconscious? Huge fucking effect.
The more western advertisement became globalized, the more people got inflicted with Eating Disorders worldwide. This means countries that didn't have a problem with Eating Disorders suddenly started getting people with eating disorders because of the western influence on their ads.
I am not saying these ads are literally telling women to be thin. But when these ads always feature models of a specific body type over and over again. It sends a subconscious message to women that they SHOULD look a certain way.
These ads don't just sell us products. They sell us ideals, goals and even values.
They condition us to NOT love ourselves. To fight this conditioning, we need to take some drastic actions that might seem a bit crazy.
4) How to condition Yourself to Love yourself
(Kamal Ravikant's incredible book "Love Yourself Like your life depends on it" highlights how to condition yourself to love yourself. I summarize the steps from his book and add my own spin on it here. But I do recommend you read that book too. It changed my life, it will change yours too.)
Step 1: Forgive Yourself
You heard me right! Think about all the crap you hold against yourself. Do you feel guilty for never getting into med school? Do you feel that you messed up your relationship? Do you think you let your parents down by picking a career they didn't like? What regrets do you have? What do you hold against yourself? It could be literally anything.
Write every single thing you hold against yourself and apologize for it. Write on a piece of paper, "I am sorry I never got into med school. I am sorry I couldn't be the best son............ I am sorry I dropped out of university........"
Write it all down. Then find a peaceful place, somewhere with running water. Then reread that piece of paper. And at the end, write, "I forgive myself." Keep reading the line "I forgive myself" until you feel a shift inside you, and you feel like you have forgiven yourself (sorta). Then find a rock, wrap that paper in that rock, and chuck that rock into the running water, and watch it go. It will feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off you. You might cry, you might feel anger, and that's okay.
Why does this work? Why am I telling you to write your bad laundry on a piece of paper and throw it in the water? Its because the human brain is hard-wired to change by the use of rituals. For thousands of years, we have used rituals to shift our perspectives and mind. Think about wedding rituals, funerals, birthdays, rites of passage rituals. All those rituals shift our minds, and this one will too. This ritual is the "Forgive myself ritual," and it WORKS. Try it.
Step 2: Make a Vow (Vow: A Solemn Promise)
Grab a piece of paper—time for ritual number two. Write a long/short, and powerful vow about the fact that you will love yourself from now on. It should inspire something inside you. Here is an example:
"I vow to truly, deeply love myself without question" (Short)
Your vow can be as long as an essay or short as a sentence. That's up to you. Then hang it on your wall and read it every day you get up. And I mean, EVERY SINGLE DAY! If you miss one day by accident, that's okay. As long as you get back to it, it's all good.
Step 3: The Practice
The practice involves four simple tasks. (These tasks must be done for a month at least). These simple tasks may seem crazy, but at the end of the day, it actually works. You will feel stupid doing these, but that's okay.
The first task. Keep telling yourself, "I love myself" in your mind every chance you get. The bus taking too long? Go ahead, do this task. In the shower? Go ahead, do it! Any time you find your mind wandering. DO IT! You might feel like a complete fraud while doing it. You might think, "I fucking hate myself, how can I even do this?" But do it anyway. We are forcing your brain to love yourself unconditionally. It will take some elbow grease. We are essentially creating new neural pathways that tell you, "I love myself" instead of "I hate myself."
The Second task. Sit in a meditative pose for 5 min. And when you breathe in, think "I love myself" and breathe out any thought that tries to counter that message. You can listen to some soothing instrumental music while doing that. It really helps.
The Third Task. Look into a mirror, then look directly in your eyes and tell yourself, "I love myself" Keep repeating for about 5 min, and then you can stop. Don't be afraid to pause and take a moment to look at those beautiful eyes you have.
The fourth task. If you find yourself in a sticky situation with people. Ask yourself, "If I truly loved myself, would I remain in this situation?" If the answer is "No'. Get out of that situation. Sorry, aunt Matilda, I don't want to hear for one minute why I should be in Engineering school.
That's ALL! These methods will seem ridiculous and stupid, but it's just us trying to create new neural pathways in our brain that conditions us to love ourselves. The more you do these tasks, the neural pathways of self-love will get stronger and stronger. In time, it will get easier and easier to truly love yourself and actually feel like you do.
Do these tasks for a month till you feel like you love yourself (kinda).
And for the rest of your life, do one task that resonated with you the most.
In the Novel "The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho" (Spoiler alert!) The protagonist ventures off to find treasure. He looks everywhere and fails to find it. In the end, he realizes he is the treasure that he is looking so hard for.
Your story is like the protagonist's, you go your whole life trying to find someone to love you deeply, truly and unconditionally, without realizing that someone can be YOU. You are the treasure you been looking for.
Like my post? Then you will love the podcast episode based on this post where I share more information about the Topic and include many personal stories, case studies and tips.
Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/episode/2EvHD02RLJZ3r6QKsrBsve
ApplePodcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/8-how-to-love-yourself-after-breakup-breakup-recovery/id1479810240?i=1000500569615