7) The "Real" Reason For Your Breakup
"Why did my ex REALLY leave me?" A question that kept rattling my head in the aftermath of my breakup.
Because the reason she gave was bullshit. She said, "I am just very negative right now, and my family is going through a rough time......" The all-time classic 'It's not you, it's me' excuse.
Why would she throw everything we had just because of that? We planned our wedding only a few weeks ago. It didn't make sense.
If she was feeling negative, I could help her be positive. If her family was going through some shit, I could help them go through that shit! Why wouldn't she take my help? Isn't that more logical than breaking up?
At the time, I failed to realize that logic had no place when people made decisions like this. It was an emotional decision. So it doesn't really matter if her choice was logical or not.
(Excluding toxic and abusive relationships, that's when its logical to leave. And even when it's logical to leave, a lot of people stay because of their emotions, which further proves that point)
Humans aren't rational (Kahneman, 2015). We are 'rationalizing.' We make decisions based on our emotions (Lerner, 2014). Then rationalize it with reasons later. That's why the most successful ads were the ones that catered to your emotions, not logic.
World-renowned neuroscientist Antonio Damasio's findings nail this theory. He found that people who had hampered limbic systems (the source of our emotions) could not make simple decisions. They scored high in logic and memory tests but could not decide what colour pen to use.
We even pick one detergent over another just because it 'looks' right. After we make an emotional decision to buy that particular detergent (based on looks), we make logical reasons to justify that decision. Such as 'I saw it on TV,' 'It says it's effective,' 'It's environmentally friendly' etc. All this happens so instantaneously that we don't even realize what actually caused our decision. Thus, we end up thinking that we bought the detergent because of our superb logic instead of our feelings.
This is especially true when it comes to the decisions we make in our love lives. Its where 100% of our decisions are emotional. You often come across couples you don't think belong together: "Katie is so smart, successful and pretty, why is she dating this loser Josh? It doesn't make sense." It does not make LOGICAL sense because it was not a LOGICAL decision. It was an emotional one.
When your ex broke up with you. I am sure he or she gave you some legitimate sounding reasons, but these reasons were not really why they chose to leave. They left because they FELT like it. Something happened that made them feel that. It could be anything: Poor communication, lack of romance, external circumstances, boring sex life, too many fights, etc.
Even they can't tell you for sure what caused them to feel that. So they make rational sounding reasons why they want to break up. They need to do that for you and, more importantly, themselves. Nobody wants to admit, "I want to break up cause I feel like it." Even though that's the truth.
So don't try to make sense of the reasons your ex gave you for the breakup. It's pointless. And please, for the love of god! Don't bother debating your ex about how illogical their reasons are. You can't use logic to refute an emotional choice. That's like trying to console a crying baby by reading him an essay on "Effective emotional regulation."
I get it. You want closure. You want to know what brought on this doom. What caused the love of your life to abandon you. Guess what? Even if your ex wrote a 12-page thesis on why she left, it still wouldn't satisfy you. The only person that can give you closure is you.
Ask your heart, "Why did he/she leave?" Accept whatever answer your heart gives and carry on.
At the end of the day, there is no point in finding the 'real' reason because it won't change the fact that they left. Their choice to leave should tell you everything you need to know.
Like my post? Then you will love the podcast episode based on this post where I share more information about the Topic and include many personal stories, case studies and tips.
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2OxwlzKiqiJMf400SV4kkt
Anchor: https://anchor.fm/harry-house3/episodes/7-The-Real-Reason-For-Your-Breakup-ej51h5/a-a34i2cg
References:
Kahneman, D. (2015). Thinking, fast and slow. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Lerner, Jennifer & Li, Ye & Valdesolo, Piercarlo & Kassam, Karim. (2014). Emotion and Decision Making. Annual review of psychology. 66. 10.1146/annurev-psych-010213-115043.